I’m recapping the season finale of The Bachelorette with Kaitlyn Bristowe!
I got a few messages last week about the fact that I skipped a recap — it was The Men Tell All episode, which is never very fabulous, so I decided to skip. The last thing I feel like doing is talking about men talking about what they talked about. Snooze. No thanks.
Also, SUMMER. I am over it. My romance with no routine and lazy mornings and fun outings with the kids is over. At this point, I’m simply surviving.
Let’s recap what happened this week!!
The episode opened with both men telling us how in love they are with Kaitlyn. Just for once, I wish one of these dudes would pull a Becca and be all, “meh, I’m just not feeling it.”
Kaitlyn is with her family, preparing them to meet Nick. They are all familiar with Andi’s season and are shocked to hear that he’s baaaaaaaack. Then she casually mentions that she accidentally messed up and fell on his private parts naked while on a date.
Whoopsie.
Her family really doesn’t even flinch. I get the distinct impression that her mom runs the show, so they all seem to be taking their cues from her. And Mama Bristowe is not only unfazed, but looks like she time traveled right out of an 80’s soap opera. Like she flew in from Falcon Crest or something. So maybe that’s why she’s not bothered by the sexytime shenanigans.
Nick comes in to meet everyone, and as usual I can barely understand a thing he’s staying. He’s all mumbley, his hand is constantly over his mouth, and his five million bracelets seem to be blocking his mouth noises.
ENUNCIATE, NICK. YOU’RE ON TELEVISION.
Mama Bristowe pulls Nick aside and as to be expected, he manages to charm her socks right off. One second she’s calling him possessive and arrogant and the next minute she’s giggling and wiping away tears. Next Nick sits down with Kaitlyn’s dad, who seems WAY too eager and willing to give his blessing. Like for real, he’s basically jumping for the opportunity to make her someone else’s problem.
Nick and Kaitlyn make out outside and Nick goes home. Do they ever say goodbye like NORMAL people?
The next day is Shawn’s turn and the family is a little nervous that he won’t hold a candle to Nick. Clearly, they set the bar really low. Mama Bristowe is decked out in accessories that I’m PRETTY sure she bought at The Merry Go Round, and she has SOME QUESTIONS for Shawn.
Bless him, he walks in looking all adorable and Gosling-ey and has gifts for Kaitlyn’s sister’s kids. Oh good grief, just let me have him, Kaitlyn. You obviously don’t fully appreciate his charms.
Shawn does a heartfelt toast as they sit down to eat and it’s obvious that he knows how to take charge of a situation. Unlike a certain mumble mouth we all know. Mama Bristowe pulls him aside and asks him all the hard questions. Mainly, do you feel about Kaitlyn and Nick playing Monopoly naked all night that one time?
Shawn stays calm and collected the whole time and gives all the right answers. He then sits down with both parents and asks for Kaitlyn’s hand, which they both give their blessing. Eagerly.
Kaitlyn gives him a casual hug and kiss outside and he leaves. No make out session for Shawn.
The next day Nick and Kaitlyn have their date. He meets her on a yacht and they sip champagne. You know…just a normal date. Just once, I’d love to see them go to a TGI Friday’s on the finale. Maybe follow it up with a game of putt putt. You know how you decide if someone is husband material? Ask them to stop by Ulta “real quick” on your way home from a date, then spend an hour looking at eyeshadow while they sit on a chair bored out of their ever-loving minds. REAL LIFE.
Later that evening, Kaitlyn and Nick meet at his suite, where they kiss and snuggle and he gives her a photo and poem that he wrote for her in a frame. And this is when I notice tears streaming down my cheeks.
FINE, NICK. I maybe, sorta get the appeal. BUT JUST BARELY.
Kaitlyn tells us that she can see herself marrying Nick, they make out, date over.
The next day is Shawn’s date and it starts off terrible. The conversation is awkward and stilted and they are barely looking at each other. Maybe this is why Kaitlyn and Nick make out so much? It fills a lot of dead space. Poor Shawn is gulping red wine like it’s water and Kaitlyn said at one point, “Oh…I forgot what I was going to say…”
Finally (praise Jesus) they part ways and meet back up at his suite in the evening.
Things seem to be going better this go around, and Shawn seems confident and ready to get married. He gives her a gift, which is a jar full of mementos from EVERY SINGLE DATE they had. Now, what, NICK?? Your little poem isn’t so awesome anymore, is it?
Shawn, this is your last chance. I WILL MARRY YOU.
Kaitlyn leaves and she’s all “Oh I’m so confused, I’m in love with two guys, ” and I’m thinking, is this really that tough of a decision? When all else fails, measure their muscles, that’s what I say.
The next day Neil Lane shows up at the men’s suites to help them pick out a ring. Honestly, I always fast forward through this part. Good ol’ Neil always makes me feel uncomfortable. Like he should be on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills instead of The Bachelorette.
The next day the men nervously prepare for the rose ceremony. The first limo pulls up, and we all know that whoever steps out…is not The One. And what do you know — it’s Nick. He walks up to Kaitlyn, who is basically hyperventilating, and launches into his heartfelt speech about how in love with her he is.
Knowing that he’s going home, I’m waiting for her to stop him. I’m BEGGING her to stop him. I’m covering my face with my hands, peeking through a crack in my fingers, yelling, “STOP HIMMMMMM!!!!!!”
But no. Kaitlyn lets him KEEP GOING. She stands there with the worst expression on her face, like she’s holding back vomit, and only stops him when he starts to pull the engagement ring out of his pocket.
Poor Nick. I actually feel sorry for him. I’m actually confused. WHY DID SHE LET IT GO THIS FAR? Nick basically shuts down at this point, turns into a robot, and lets her walk him out to the limo. It’s awful. Like borderline unwatchable. But at the same time, strangely wonderful.
I know. I’m a terrible person. I really do feel for the guy. Good grief, he can’t catch a break. Nick heads off in the limo angry and bitter. And I honestly don’t blame him.
I’m sorry Nick. You never stood a chance against Shawn’s muscles.
Next Shawn shows up. He’s cute and confident and I suddenly forget that I was just crying for Nick moments earlier. He gives his speech, proposes, and Kaitlyn accepts. And so do I.
YES, NICK. YES!! WE WILL MARRY YOU!!!
Again, I find myself crying. HOW DO I ALWAYS GET SUCKED IN?? HOWWWWWW?????
Kaitlyn accepts the massive Neil Lane diamond happily, and they kiss and are just two crazy kids in love.
This was followed up by After the Final Rose, which was mostly a lot of talk. The main things we learned were:
Still no word on the next Bachelor. It seems pretty obvious that it will be Ben H., though. He’s definitely grown on me — I think there is a real chance of him coming out of it with a relationship that lasts.
Kaitlyn and Shawn are still happy and in love. I am really rooting for them and hope they make it. Popular opinion seems to be that they won’t, but I actually think they might have what it takes.
There is still no love lost between Shawn and Nick. They met up to kind of clear the air, but Nick was the only one who seemed willing to actually bury the hatchet. Shawn was still ready to kill him.
Nick told us that Kaitlyn told him that she loved him multiple times throughout the show. I guess you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. He’s all about humiliating women at the finale.
All said and done, I do feel for Nick. I think that Kaitlyn could have told him sooner (like maybe before he was pulling a ring out of his pocket) and I do think that his feelings for her were genuine. But I definitely think that she and Shawn are the best match and hope that it works out long term.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Should she have picked Nick? Who should be the next Bachelor? And will Kaitlyn and Shawn make it to the altar?
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